I Was Wrong, or The Handbag Tortilla Test

As you may or may not be aware, I have long-held the opinion that giant purses are a signifier of The Crazy (diaper bags excepted. If you have a child small enough that you need a diaper bag you have my undying sympathy, I will gladly watch your baby if you need a nap, and btw there is a spit-soaked cheerio in your hair).

Which is not to say that carrying a giant purse automatically means that I would judge you as a Crazy Crazerson, but I would indeed assign a little check mark. In my head. Actually it is more that when a giant purse presents alongside certain other things that I will make my McJudgyface. Listen, I've turned 37 since last this blog was updated, and that means I am (a) old and (b) have lived long enough to collect some wisdom. With that wisdom comes the self-righteousness of passing judgement on teenage girls in hot pants with giant purses and roach clip feather earrings. Do your mothers know what you're wearing? I hope you grow out of this.

So anyway, you guys, I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I was WROOOOONG.

You see, a few years back I learned to knit, and since then it's become a thing for me, you know? I do it a lot, as anybody who reads this blog or spends any time talking to me at all would know. So I reached a point where my one teeny little do-it-all purse was still enough to be pursey, but it was not pursey enough to accommodate my knitting. This meant I never took my knitting along unless I was going someplace expressly to knit, thus I decided to suck it up and buy a Mary Poppins/kitchen sink/crazyperson purse. That was months ago. I've kept my eye out, but because I am cheap I could not abide spending $30+ on a purse. Most of the purses throughout my life have been $15 or less, because to me they are not accessories. They are just a means of transporting my stuff, I usually only have one at a time (I'll wait while someone gets the smelling salts for Erin :), and I carry it until it breaks.

Okay, so: that's the back story which brings us to last weekend, when I had to take CJ to the maul so that he could hang out with his ladyfriend. (Sidebar: I hate the mall) He ditched me immediately, like you do when you're 13 and someone you recognize might omg see you with your mama in public, and that was when Mer and I visited Claire's. I found an enormous bag of holding which met all of my criteria: huge, cheap, and able to handle my knitting.

I have been using it for 4 days now. In these 4 short days I have grown incredibly attached to this bag, and I'm about to tell you why. Ready? Tortillas. The purse is so large that I didn't even notice I have been carrying a package of tortillas around for three straight days (I'm going to make soft tacos for dinner at some point this week. That sound you hear is Tim cheering).

Click to embiggen and view with notes

So you guys, I'm here to say it. You were right, and I was wrong. Huge purses aren't the human baboon butt of crazy, oh no! In fact they are the peacock feathers of utility and function.

My future criterion for purse selection: Does it pass the tortilla test? Because the tortilla test is the purse test of AWESOME.

Pics Or It Didn't Happen: I Still Make Stuff

Wow. It's been nearly a year since my first "I Make Stuff" post. How can that be? I don't even know. But the Internet never forgets, kids, so here's what I've worked on in 2010:

In March, I made a pair of mittens for myself. I had been stalking admiring the ones made by mom blogging rock star Angela over at FluidPudding and finally worked up the courage to give them a try. They were scary because I had never made anything with terrifying words like "thumb gussets" or using the "magic loop method", which frankly all sounded like dubious sexual acts and/or contraceptive methods. I only managed to get a photo of them (the mittens, not the sex acts) while in progress, but I made another pair later in the year, so you'll get to see those later in this post. They are called "Bella's Mittens", because the pattern was inspired by mittens worn by the Bella character in the Twilight movie. Don't hate, y'all - the pattern is gorgeous.

In May, I thought I'd give felting a try, finally. I spent much time and energy trying to decide on a mix of complementary colors, and in the process learned that I am really bad at it. I did not know that about myself.

And then suddenly it was summer. If you're a parent too, you know that summertime for parents is the exact opposite of summertime for kids. This is because there are no buses or hot lunches and it's eleven million degrees outside and everybody has to be driven to seventeen different places a day, and yet I still had to go to, oh I dunno, work. It's the summer days where my office is truly a vacation, people.

But you may recall that I made a condensation sleeve for CJ to take to camp, in June.

And I vowed that 2010 would be the year that I got the jump on Christmas knitting, so naturally I started with birthday and hostess gifts instead. I ended up making two of the rainbow bags for Renee's birthday (which, TO BE FAIR: December) and the purple one for when Rachel and Thom moved to Maryland.

Also in June I got the bright idea to hand knit by hand with my own hands a set of grocery bags for everybody's favorite vegetarian bunny huggers (our dear friends Tracy and Aaron). I figured: How hard could it be? Turns out: Pretty hard. Not that the pattern itself was all that hard, it just took forever to make four of them and by the time I was done I was so very, very, done. I finished the fourth bag on October 17. You may have already calculated that the duration of time spent knitting these bags is equal to that of a metric shitload. Of time. At least they're pretty.

And then it was later in July, and whoa! Jonesy and Donna were having a baby shower in twelve days. Twelve days to knit a baby blanket? CAN DO.

Meanwhile, the grocery bags were ongoing, and I was losing my mind, so I started knitting warm washable hats for the homeless. See, my friends are really good people, and they gather up food and go feed people who need to be fed on Thanksgiving day, in a local park. We call it Thanksgiving in the Park. The hats were sent along, except climate change hates us, hates us ALL, and it was nearly 70 degrees that day. So nobody really wanted a hat. Sadface. Thom and Rachel took them back to Baltimore, though, to give away up there. I hope they are getting used. Meredith models one of the hats:

OMG, Christmas knitting! Teacher gifts! Friend gifts! Crap! Now I'm behind, but I'm still knitting grocery bags! September sidebar: The Bella Lana Reversible Cable scarf, holiday gift for Meredith's primary teacher Mrs. P. I'm told she liked it!

In October, the grocery bag project was ongoing. Still. Forever. Teacher gift #2: A set of Bella's Mittens, this time for Mer's dramatic arts teacher. Purple and dramatic are totally her. She likes them, and is thankfully not allergic to 100% wool (I was worried).

It's still October! It's still holiday knitting! I'm still knitting grocery bags because they take forever! With my hands, by hand! Also Ginny really liked the yarn color I was using for Mrs. P.'s scarf, so I bought some in worsted and made a Very Braidy Ginny Cowl for Christmas. It looks really great on her, if I do say so myself.

And then it's October 31, I'm finally done with the grocery bags (hallelujah!), and my cousin and his wife welcome a beautiful baby girl. My cousin Brent is the first baby I was really around with any regularity, when I was a kid. He holds a special place in my cold shriveled heart, and now he's someone's DAD. OMG. This blanket was pretty difficult, at first, but I eventually got the hang of it. I started it on her birthday, and finished it December 6. I think it turned out great, and just look at sweet baby Claire!

The last project of the year was a last minute, weekend-before-holiday-break scarf. Mer came home from school on a Friday and said "My teacher says you’re very talented, and could you knit a scarf for J (her 6 year old)? It should be greens and white stripes. Thanks." So that’s what I did over that weekend. Mrs. P. later clarified that she meant for Meredith to ask what I would charge in money dollars to make such a scarf. I couldn't possibly, though.

So that was the knitting in 2010. If history is any indication, I probably won't post about knitting again until 2012. If you want to follow along in real-time, you should friend me on Ravelry.

Numb Ladyparts and Routine Knitting

Last year I bought an exercise bicycle at the Goodwill for $10. I did this because I thought I maybe kinda sorta would give it a try. Maybe, possibly. See, it was only $10, which was important because then, later, when I never used it ever ever ever, at least I wouldn't feel guilty for not exercising AND for wasting money.

Except then I actually used it, and I used it a lot. A lot for me, anyway, which was anywhere from 90-120 minutes a week. It was uncomfortable, to be sure - most of the time I would hop off of that sucker at the end and my ladyparts would be completely numb. NUMB. MY LADYPARTS. That's right, you get quality and value in your blog reading here at Not Too Crazy! But even with my brain missing my ladyparts for the duration, I rode that damned bike.

And then I broke it. I broke it but good, too, snapped one of the pedal arm thingie whoosits in a way that was either unrepairable entirely, or at least cost-effectively.

That was some number of weeks ago. I've been shopping around for a new - actually really for serious retail-new new - bike, but. All the bikes I looked at seemed not to meet what I needed in one way or another, or if they did I would add them to my amazon cart to deliberate for a few days and then they'd go out of stock.

So, today, I happened upon the perfect bike (it's even one of the chair kind, not the ladyparts-killer-bike-seat-kind) and so of course, I told Tim. Sweet, understanding, long-suffering Tim, who has listened to me hem and haw and waffle and complain about exercise bikes for what has turned into months, you guys. Months. And I continued to waffle, even during the course of this conversation, but then:

Timothy: and look, hands-free

me: i'm still waffling btw

Timothy: you could do ROUTINE KNITTING in this thing

me: HOLY SHIT SOLD

He wins at being my husband. For real.

Condensation Sleeve

It's officially summer even though it's not officially summer, because it's stupid hot outside, the a/c struggles to keep up, and both kids are happily going about their summer camp experiences.

Sidebar: Big thank yous to everyone who offered suggestions about what to pack for lunch in the comments, on Facebook, Twitter, and LiveJournal, and wherever else that post propagated. So far (day two, heh) so good.

The challenges of packing for a full day of feeding a hollow-legged preteen are numerous. Not just what sorts of food, but but the right way to transport and store it, as well as how to keep it fresh and edible in a non-climate-controlled environment. We bought an insulated lunch container, and then set about tackling the problem of keeping the contents of said container cool.

Rather than purchase those freezer gel thingies (because they kind of freak me out), I thought: Why not just refill a drinking water bottle, and freeze it?

The only reason I could think up was condensation - as the ice in the bottle melts (Tim pointed out that the gel thingamabobs would do the same thing, anyway, so why bother buying them?) , the condensation on the outside would get the food items wet. Ew.

Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, I know, but why endure a tiny problem that could be solved via knitting?! :D

Condensation Sleeve

Materials

• Worsted weight cotton yarn (I've used Lily Sugar & Cream and Red Heart Eco Cotton)
• US 7 (4.5mm) DPNs (I use four)
• Tapestry needle
• Stitch marker

Directions

First, we're going to knit the base of the sleeve, starting from the center and increasing out until the area is large enough to cover the bottom of a 16oz water bottle.

R1: Cast on 7 stitches, divide across two needles

R2: Join, place marker between stitches 1 and 2 to help keep track, knit one round.

R3: Increase every stitch (14 stitches)

R4: Knit

R5: Distribute 4 increase stitches (18 stitches) across round (approx. every 3rd stitch)

R6: Knit

R7: Distribute 6 increase stitches (24 stitches) across round (approx. every 3rd stitch)

R8: Knit

R9: Distribute 8 increase stitches (32 stitches) across round (approx. every 3rd stitch)

R10: Knit

R11: Distribute 10 increase stitches (42 stitches) across round (approx. every 3rd stitch)

R12: Knit

Here's what the base looks like at this point:

Any photo can be clicked to embiggen

Now we'll start working on the body of the sleeve with Round 13:

R13: K3, P3

At this point, repeat Round 13 until the sleeve is long enough to accommodate your bottle of ice. Bind off, and don't bother blocking!

Here's the finished product:

Here's the happy camper with his new mohawk, showing Condensation Sleeve enthusiasm:

I Like Big Buns (and I Cannot Lie)

Last year, after I finally grew out my magenta Adam Lambert haircut, I found myself wanting to hack it all off again. What's up with that? I grew it and I grew it and I wanted it long enough to ponytail or twist or whatever, but once it was, I was sick of it? Not cool, me. Because what happened after that is that I did cut it all off again, spending an unholy amount of money at the local posh salon, only to violently hate the cut (which I am still trying to grow out to this day).

Anyway, I started toying with buns when Erin mentioned Kasmira's "messy bun". But Erin's buns were just gateway buns, and I found myself wanting bigger buns. Fatter buns. So I went to Sally, and bought one of those nylon bun donuts. That was enough, for awhile. Then I built up a tolerance, and needed an even larger bun.

Only no hair-accessory dealer had what I wanted, so out came the knitting needles. I wanted the biggest bun possible for my hair length, and that's pretty much what I got. Here's the bun bump, with a pen (for scale):

Instructions for Big Buns: Secure your hair into a ponytail, which will end up being the center of your bun. Slide the bump to the base of the ponytail, and use a bobby pin or two to hold it against your scalp. Fan the ponytail hair out around the bump, tuck it under the outsides, and pin it to secure. The result:

Nowadays I'm pretty much just waiting for my hair to get long enough to wear the bump again. Before I get sick of it and cut it all off again, that is.

Pics Or It Didn't Happen: I Make Stuff

I've been knitting a lot, lately (as you may have noticed). I'm enjoying this, because I've leveled up my Skill of Understanding about how certain things work, and why. I'm still not very good at following patterns; I start off just fine, and then I completely lose it somewhere in the middle and do whatever I feel like doing, until I'm done. This is due in large part to my inability to keep track of where I am and what I've completed, in said pattern.

I'm working on that.

My knitting bender began with CK's Christmas gift, which I started (with much self-congratulation) early enough to complete in time for Christmas. And then I actually completed it in time for Christmas. Whoa. (I still almost can't believe that I stuck with it and met my self-imposed deadline!) I chose to knit it on needles which were smaller than recommended, and that worked out well for the scarf; poorly for my hands. This was slow-going, and painful; I could get four or five rows done and then need to stop for days. I spent those couple of months sporting pain patches and ace bandages on my hands during this project, and people acted like I was joking when I said it was a knitting injury. No, really. It was.

Anyway, I really for-real-this-time followed a pattern, though, and here's the finished product:

Click to embiggen

Then I made a softer, one-cable version for Tracy, but I don't have any photos of it, and I don't remember what the yarn was. It was soft and pretty and purple, though, and I liked how it turned out. Hey, Tracy, take a good photo or two, wouldja?

Next came Brenna's panda hat, which was a baby shower gift for Meg and Travis. This is the kind of knitting I do most often - make it up as I go along, and hope for the best. Tim pointed out the cuteness of making a panda hat out of bamboo yarn... which was entirely unintentional because I'm not that witty: I just liked the softness. I thought it was pretty funny when I saw Meg tell someone on Facebook that Brenna gets her ears from me. Hee!

Click to embiggen
Photo by Travis (used with permission)

Around the same time, we learned that CK was going to be a daddy, and then in February we learned that the baby is a boy, so I chose a socially-dictated gender-specific colorway and embarked upon my first ever baby blanket project - another success at pattern-following.

As of this writing, the blanket is drying on Meredith's bedroom floor, after last night's wet blocking. I'll add some photos of the finished project "soon"... here's one from last week's "in progress" shot for Ravelry:

Click to embiggen

And last but definitely not least, Merry's Little Mitts. She wanted mittens, I want to learn mittens (thus, these were my first attempt at mittenyness), and then when she tried the first one on halfway in (thank you, Magic Loop), she decided she wanted them fingerless. She's quite pleased with the result:

Click to embiggen