Lately I've been thinking about differences. With a big D, that is: Differences. The kinds of Differences which can ruin friendships. Specifically, I've been thinking about Differences in the time of social media.
Thinking about this makes me wear my "I'm keeping my mouth shut, behold my utter seriousity!" face, which I've helpfully demonstrated for you over there on the right.
You see, for me, for the kind of person I am and the kinds of friends that I have, it's usually been the case that once differences of opinion get addressed, that's that. To co-opt a gross cliché here, some of my best friends are Republicans! Our differences? They're okay, because we are entitled to our opinions. What I mean to say is, overall, we just don't need to constantly hash it out. We keep our mouths shut. Seriously.
Politics, religion, global warming.... heck, in the times of the Mommy Wars, it was, is, and will probably always be about how breast is best, or circumcision is genital mutilation, or my kid's carseat is safer than yours... whatever. You know how I feel, I know how you feel, and we move on.
So here's where Facebook, in specific, is causing me some discomfort, and some introspection.
Facebook groups and pages are the new Fish/Bicycle t-shirt, or "Don't blame me!" bumpersticker. Sure. I get it. What scares me about this, though, is how you can make a statement without actually making a statement, just by way of being a "joiner". You don't own that shit. You're not saying "I, Self Me, believe that the Holocaust is a lie! Wanna make something of it?"
No. You're not taking that heat.
You're saying "I passively agree with this thing someone else said, and did you happen to notice the moist and chewy pre-packaged safety in numbers deliciousness? No? Oh, well, then it's just a JOKE Holocaust denial anyway, quit being so reactionary".
It feels like receiving a "Dear Jen, learn how to park, you asshole!" note under my windshield wipers - not that I've ever received one of those, Aaron - every time I see a friend joining a group or liking a topic that I, personally, find reprehensible. No, I know it isn't about me. Yes, I am just as guilty as the next guy. Only my Passive Joiner Statements of Difference were things that I agree with. Acceptance. Equality. Understanding. Choice.
You know what They say about opinions.
So I think about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I want to be. Do I want to be the kind of person who only surrounds herself with people of like mind? Because that sounds pretty boring. Do I want to embrace or ignore my (admittedly) knee-jerk reaction of "You know what? Friendship over." when I encounter these really grotesque statements that my friends seem to be supporting? Because if I got friend-dumped over being pro-choice, for example, I'd be pretty pissed. I'd be making noise about my right to my opinions. If I got friend-dumped for being Caucasian, well, aiiie discrimination!
It's always about rights and discrimination when it's not originating from your own self, innit?
I don't know what's right or what's wrong, here. I don't know where it starts or where it stops. What does it say about acceptance and equality if I'm going to refuse to be friends with you because you feel differently than I do?
As I said, lately I've been thinking about Differences. I don't have a clear answer, but at least I'm thinking. I hope my friends are, too.
I think there's a difference between friend-dumping on Facebook (which I actually have done, as a way to avoid having what I find to be ugly stuff in my face all the time; makes my stomach roil, and why should I expose myself to that?) and friend-dumping in LIFE.
ReplyDeleteIf I regularly log onto FB and see something that makes me feel ill and it's next to your name? You're gone. Same with Twitter. I'll still email you, though! We can still have conversations about the things that we don't strongly disagree about. We can still be friends. I just don't have to listen to your painful-to-me pronouncements or 'likings' or retweetings or whatever.
Facebook is, in many ways, for saying what you believe and how you feel. If what I say is offensive or upsetting to you, I'd expect you to dump me. I'd do the same to you.
(And please know that by 'you' I don't mean YOU, Jen, because you and I are on the same page with stuff like that, in general. I'm generalizing.)
I have made a list in facebook that I call "friends" with a little f. Those are friends. Some of them are republicans (my husband is one of them of course). But they are all people I genuinely like. I mean people who make me laugh. I would freak if someone on that list joined that please god kill obama thing.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I have a whole heap of family and random horse people on Facebook. They don't all see my daily status updates, I don't consider them part of my inner circle. So yeah, when my second cousin twice removed, the evangelical christian who constantly goes on about how God is going to bring her happiness, prayed that he'd kill the president- it offended me. But I'm not going to dump her, because I never really felt connected to her anyway.
But I've been doing the stratified facebook thing for a while now. It's the only way I can avoid having my mom post on EVERY SINGLE POST I MAKE.
YES. AGREE. (And I'm glad I didn't get dumped!)
ReplyDeleteI treat Facebook as that huge Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends, and the random odd invitee... one big huge rather uncomfortable party where there are children, grown-ups, relatives and co-workers. And we all have to behave with each other. Some are going to pop off and say something offensive, someone is going to be boring as hell, and someone is going to hog all the mashed taters. But we find a way to get along.
If someone has an outburst or indiscretion, then they might not be invited back next year (aka defriended), but then again, I don't invite every single person I encounter to my Thanksgiving dinner.
I also use the filter mechanism to embargo some folks, and I hide others.
So far, it's working.
And for the record, I don't have any co-workers on my flist. That's just asking for trubs.
OK, so i tend to err on the side of defriending. For me, the political gets very, very personal, and i start thinking things i can't quite fight with, like "this person believes i don't have xyz rights, they can't respect me as a person, how can i be friends with them?"
ReplyDeletei know that plenty of people just put politics off to the side somewhere and see people as "very lovely people" as long as they don't talk about how they vote... but i can't do that. i wind up thinking about everything they must believe about ME and MY FRIENDS if they vote that way.
i used to think i would be ok with folks who were just "fiscal conservatives," but then i really thought about welfare and social justice programs and what taxes go to and honestly? i can't even deal with that. i start thinking about how person x believes libraries aren't as important as i do, and how they would raise their kids then...
argh, i think too much about this.